You’re a Coffee Shop, not an Alaskan Malamute (google it, it's a dog)

I know, it’s been awhile. That last depressing post was no joke. But, after a few days in tears, denial, anger and generally making the boyfriend think I’ve gone off the deep end… I’m back in action. Why? Because I’m almost positive I just lost the absolute dream career today. And, I deal with utter heartbreaking debilitating disappointment by making other people laugh through my defeated negativity. I have a disease.




I recently had an interview at a family owned coffee shop. The irony and cliché was just too much for me to turn away. An unemployed writer keeping a blog and making lattes? What is this, a bad movie? In my email response to the craigslist ad, I even talked about the poems I had written and had published ABOUT coffee. Like I wouldn’t get called for an interview!

The good news? I got a free cup of coffee out of the deal. Let’s focus on that for a moment. Free Coffee.

The bad news? Coffee shop little dog syndrome. Have you ever seen those little (what my mother’s boyfriend calls) rat-on-a-rope dogs barking up a storm to large labs and retrievers? They think they’re so much bigger and more intimidating than they actually are. This coffee shop apparently thought that its baristas needed the dedication and tenacity of high-powered CEO’s.

I find that my feelings on what people say to me best described by the italic-text-is-what-is-actually-happening-in-my-head style dialogue. Already used it several times in this blog? Yes. Probably breaking some type of overly repetitive stylistic rule? Most likely. Do I have a boss to tell me to do otherwise? NO, I’m unemployed.

Let me set the scene: Plump and friendly momish woman in her 30’s wearing a hat with the coffee shop logo and a tee shirt. Looks like she would bake you a pie for your birthday. I like her immediately. It’s her shop. She makes cheesecakes to sell along with her coffees. I’m wearing my grandmother’s blue school-dress and smiling at the working barista as I realize he’s wearing jeans to work. Nice.

“I’m surprised you made it out here! We were afraid you’d get halfway here and realize the commute would be too much, then just turn around!”

Do you have any idea where I am temporarily living until I can afford to move? I’m on a dirt road. Unless I want to work at Sheetz, there will be a 45 minute commute. No matter what. I’ve actually heard this commute rant at almost every interview. Are you also going to turn me away because I have to drive awhile? I can just go now. Thanks for the coffee.
“Yeah, unfortunately it’s one of those dependent problems. I’m having trouble finding a job because I live so far out, but I can’t move closer until I have a job to fund it!”

“I understand. It looks like you’ve done a lot! You’re so accomplished, I’m impressed.”

“Thanks.” I should have ordered a latte. I didn’t realize when I was ordering I wasn’t going to have to pay for it. Damnit.

“So, tell me a little bit about yourself.”

“Well, I just moved here for my boyfriend’s job. [insert knowing, judgmental nod and stare immediately labeling me a non-independent, blindly following, unmotivated and naïve woman. Why don’t I go follow MY dreams, right? Shut up.] I’m having trouble finding full time employment in writing. Right now I’m working at a restaurant in the evenings and really enjoying the constant interaction with people. No, you can’t have a booth. Why are you so needy? I know the ad said you were looking for a morning person, so I think this would be perfect.”

“Yes, well, the shift is 6 am to 2 pm… so it’s pretty early!”

“I’m a morning person.” I barely got my ass out of bed for this 10am interview. I’d be drooling right now if it weren’t for this free coffee.

“So, what kind of writing do you do?”

[meandering conversation about my writing interests and experience. Cleverly, but sadly, leaving this blog out as I want to write about this interview]

“Wow, that’s great! Well, we’re looking for someone pretty permanent. If you were offered a full time job in writing, would you consider still working with us on the weekends?”

Someone permanent? You JUST told me you were hiring because some of your baristas were going back to college. Are they permanent? Is anyone working at a coffee shop not talking about what they “really” want to do? You’ll be on Broadway soon, Johnny! I can’t believe you just said you were looking for permanent people. You’ve read my resume, does anything about the last five writing positions I’ve had say anything about how I secretly want to be in food service for the rest of my life?
“Absolutely.”

“Great! Now, we’d need you two to three mornings a week. Are you sure that won’t be too much to handle with you working at the restaurant in the evenings?”

Are you seriously interviewing anyone for two to three mornings a week that isn’t also in school, working another job, taking care of a family, or using their trust fund to support their artistic endeavors in a rigorous and intense schedule? Who is this person? This person looking for PERMANENT work in a coffee shop with NO other obligations but to devote every ounce of energy to TWO to THREE mornings a week?
“Oh no. I’m a high-energy person used to an incredibly busy schedule. I was involved in a lot during college, I’m used to be swamped!”
Remember college stress? Oh no! A paper due, but my roommate is begging me to go to the bar? WHAT DO I DO NOW? God, I miss that. The real world sucks. Mmm, free coffee.

“Oh okay, great!”


[end of interview, pleasantries, description of job, etc]


I was offered the job a few days later. Unfortunately, or fortunately, the restaurant has started scheduling me for close to 40 hours a week. So, I guess she was right. I just can’t handle two to three mornings a week.