“Hi. I like the way your breasts look in that dress.”
“Thank you. I only plan to sleep with you if you spend more than $50 on this dinner.”
“Are you willing to make the night worth $50?”
“Yes. I did adult films to get through graduate school.”
“Okay, awesome. Well, just so you know, you’re not spending the whole night.”
“Good. I have a date for brunch tomorrow with a someone cuter anyway.”
It would make life so much easier. These games of interpersonal play are so futile. “Hi, can I buy you a drink?” Doesn’t that really mean, “I think you are pretty and I’d like to kiss you when we’re both drunk enough to think that’s a good idea.” Why don’t you just say that?
Well, I recently went on an interview when we did just say that. Interviews are all about lies anyway, aren’t they? No one actually says their true weaknesses and when interviewers ask, “We need someone permanent, someone who isn’t going to leave when they get a better offer,” I think even SHE knows it’s a bold faced lie when you say you won’t. Would they want someone working for their company that was so un ambitious so as to turn down a better offer anyway?
I arrived for my interview to fill a part time copyediting and writing job fifteen minutes early. I sat at a worktable in the middle of the room while I listened to the CEO scream and rant about a client that was, as she put it, “fucking with us.” When she walked out to interview me she looked frazzled, angry, annoyed… but smiling. She took me back to her office and said, “So.. uh.. tell me what you.. um… Just tell me. I don’t have a copy of your resume.” I told her I had brought a copy and gave it to her and then went on to tell her about my extensive writing experience.
“Hazel, it’s August. You graduated in May and that’s where your resume stops… what have you been doing?”
“Um… waitressing and looking for writing work.”
“Nothing, yet?”
“Nope… not yet. I’ve applied to over 250 open positions.”
“That’s insane. Your credentials and experience are out of this world. This economy sucks. But, believe it or not I know how you feel.”
“Were you unemployed for awhile or…?”
“I used to have twice as many employees, my business was booming. Now I think we might be going under. I’m about to lose my goddamn life. But, I can tell you that you’re too good for this position and it won’t make you happy.”
“Excuse me?”
“It’s proof reading, it’s temporary, it’s bullshit. You need something better.”
“Well. Um. I need a job and this certainly seems to fit the bill. I think I could get a lot of great experience here and…”
“Oh, stop it with the interview crap. I hate it. Besides, the other applicants have more proofreading experience than you.”
“But, my writing experience allows me to really understand how a work goes together and how it can improve. Plus, being new means I don’t have any bad habits and I…”
“Please don’t. I told you to stop with all the interview answers bullshit.”
“I’m broke. I’m living with my boyfriend’s parents. You have to employ me or I think I’m going to tear my hair out. I will vacuum your carpets and get you coffee, if you plan to give me a paycheck for it. Right now I’m working at a restaurant and treated like I’m in high school… I’ll do anything to get out of it.”
“Thank you.”
I started two days later. It’s part time and I may have been asked to stuff 300 folders the other day. But, she is giving me a paycheck. And maybe, sometimes, we should just be honest in our interviews.
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